On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
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I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
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My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize