i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Randomize
