i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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