I saw his package. It spoke to me.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
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she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
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Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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