dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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