Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
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A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
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I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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