1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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