**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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