I hate your face
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
