I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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