A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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