the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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