she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I deserve this hangover.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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