I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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