The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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