why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
