I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
