I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I intend to get homeless drunk
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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