thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
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