He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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