Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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