Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Randomize
