you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Randomize
