Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
