Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
