I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Randomize
