Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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