News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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