and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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