Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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