Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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