I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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