wrigley field is MILF paradise
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
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