this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
