the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
