You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
