the condom got lost in my hair
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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