Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
