took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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