a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
