Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
