Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Please, let me fuck your mom
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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