We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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