It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Randomize
