what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
