The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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