You just made me feel so damn special
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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