What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
