Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
