Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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