I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
