hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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