why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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